unplugged

i've finally come unplugged this morning. and the bag is leaking. best news i've heard all week!

i'm just waiting for the contractions to kick in before we go to the hospital. baby is annoying the hubs. he wants to play his weekly soccer at 4pm and is hoping that things speed up before then. already in the womb she is dictating his life, wrapping him him around her little pinkie. hahaha.

oooh, the first contraction just started. not strong enuf, just the garden variety pulses. i'll post pics when i can.

thumb twiddling

and so i sit here ... 3 days after my due date ... just waiting for something to happen. and nothing is.

i get killer contractions at night and lately in the day too. hubs is on constant stand-by. i've cried wolf so many times, he's not taking me seriously anymore.

today we went to the clinic to do a cervix membrane swab to "irritate" the plug to help induce labour. the doc was like,"your cervix is so tight there is no way we can induce labour now (ie it would not be natural). you are just not ready."

so he said to wait another week till 8 july and if there is still no action, he'll intervene again.

sigh ... twiddle-dee-twiddle-dum ... i'm getting bored.

the hostess with the mostess

and as the curtains of my very dramatic 4th pregnancy closes, i would like to thank everybody out there who has supported me in one way or another. either by listening to me bitch abt my physical discomfort, my expanding waistline AND thighs, my hobbit feet and my whining when hubs was away for stretches at a time. the emotional roller coaster ride ends in 3 days (or sooner ... i'm not the boss ... just the host)

i am eternally grateful for the sisterhood. obsidian for the many many massages and tea time cakes, DG for the effortless gourmet food that you whipped up, dee for obligingly baking apple crumble (w extra almonds and raisins ... yums) EVERY SINGLE TIME i asked for it, da president for reminding me that the diet is waiting for me and for agreeing to be my personal coach.

i have to say i can't wait to have total control of my body again. i can't wait to be one person. i can't wait to see her face and hold her so that life can go on. the anxiety is killing me. wednesday cannot come soon enuf!

happy father's day

i woke up to her less than gentle kicking today. usually, when she kicks, i just put my hand over my bump, and she calms down. if that doesn't work, i grab one of my kids to talk to her right at the belly. and if that doesn't work, i reach for hubs hand which always always does the trick.

today, it's as tho she knows that it's father's day and daddy is not here. she is kicking with a vengeance. a tantrum that only fierce divas are known to throw. this child knows i'm not the dada.

2 queens

and then it dawned on me. i'm not angry that he isn't here by my side. i'm frustrated that because he is not here, she has to be around. i've said it before, and i'll say it again. 2 queens in one castle is not a good thing.

today, i asked the other queen to take the day off while i stayed home with my 3 merry men. they were trying but they didn't break my mood.

there were tantrums and peace talks and defiance and trickery but it was all good. and i remained sane. the whole day : )

taking a break

today is my last day in the office. i've taken my maternity leave early and won't be back at the desk till end of sept. woo hoo!

welllll, we'll see how long that excitement lasts. i'm a workaholic, i love the stress. i'm going to give myself a week before i start checking my emails for updates.

i'm so useless ... i know. right up till the baby comes at least. then i'll be a full time cow. mooooo.

new addiction

since the whole influenza A (H1N1) started, the hospital has been pushing spread preventive measures to all staff. it started with the refresher for how to don the personal protective equipment (PPE) mask inclusive. 3 types of masks mind you, in case stocks run out. then came the hand washing campaign.

this is my least favorite call to action coz i'm allergic to hand sanitizers. it just works up my eczema in a nasty wicked way. but lately, the hospital has changed the generic brand of hand wash. the new one now has an emollient of sorts in the mixture, making it almost moisturizing.

now ... i'm a hand creme/ lotion person ... because of the said eczema. so this new product, that is available around every nook and cranny on hospital grounds, is my new BFF. and i love the toxic alcohol-based smell. i really do. it's freaking addictive. like the smell of fresh paint or detol or super glue. i draw my line at gasoline but you get my drift.

it's my new addiction, until i get to buy my pack of marlboros again.

iiiiaaaammmmmmmm nooootttttttt your super-wooooooooman

i've been toggling with my emotions lately. hubs is away in bangkok and won't be back till next monday. i'm 38 weeks preggers and am supposed to stay positive and keep happy thoughts while i wait crossed-legged for his return.

on one hand i'm completely cool with this. altho i've made plans with friends to jump into action should i go into labour, i think i will also be ok to do it alone. just me and the doc, no frills.

on the other hand, this whole arrangement just frustrates me.

POSTNOTE 19/6 :
today i feel angry. angry and selfish. and alone. my hats are off to the many women out there who have gone thru pregnancy and birth without their partners. my hats are off to these superwomen who bear no grudge or ill thoughts of their partners who have shared responsibility of having put them in this situation. these amazing women who can focus their positive emotions on the glorious birth at hand. who brave the struggles of labour alone and embrace motherhood with fervor.

my grandma told me that for all her 5 kids, when she felt labour coming on, she walked to the clinic, had her child, rested for a few hours then walked home with her newborn swaddled close. in time to greet my grandfather at the door when he returned from work.

now that's a superwoman. and i'm not she ...

the name game

naming a girl is really not as easy as naming a boy. i remember, AG was nameless for a good 2 months before we decided on her name. she was the first so we needed to set the right ring to it. can't be too bimbo, nothing too common. needs to be a strong name but feminine and soft enuf. yes, choosing a girls name is a hormonal journey on its own.

with the boys. it was as tho we had their names in our back pockets all the time. it was so simple!

but are we panicking ... nooooo. we'll just have to look at her face and hopefully it will come to us. hopefully.

what ... what did you say? you want to help? sure thing, here are the criterion?
1) 2 syllables
2) english or celtic first names
3) androgynous if possible
4) saint-ish second name
5) preferably starting with an I or M (coz i already have a J, K and L)

good luck!

i am IRON woMAN and other complaints

been popping them iron pills for a month now. the doc made me do it coz i've been so slack. i've been experiencing major shortness of breath and i've been feeling light-headed so he practically gave hubs "the eye" to police me taking my pills. and so i am .... IRON woMAN.

but that has not stopped me from missing out on the discomforts of motherhood. the leg cramps are cramping my style! striking when i least expect it. hurting so bad i wish my calf would just detach itself at the knee. the cramps are supposed to be caused by an iron deficit but i'm thinking it's some other evil.and my feet ... i start off the day w narrow ankles and by the end of the day they look like tree trunks. no more strappy sandals else i end up with bak chang feet. not forgetting to mention, the water retention has worked it's way up stream to my head, filling out my full-moon face. or at least i think so.

but alas, my swollen head is not all water-logged. BJL said the sweetest-ish thing today. rather he smsed me ... saying that i'm still his fave MILF. so amidst all these physical changes, he still thinks i'm hawt. awwww. BJL ... you will always be my fave toy boy.

wat-er hell!

i've been channelling my inner camel these days. so much water retention.

i feel my face and arms have gotten puffy. and my legs, don't get me started with my legs. by the end of the day, my ankles look so thick and they feel so heavy. i've seen elephants with narrower ankles.

mr sandman, bring me a dream

i'm not a dreamer. i go to sleep every night and i wake in the morning, fresh. it's like my whole being shuts down and i remember nothing. i like not dreaming.

hubs dreams every night and he tells me that every day, he wakes not rested. well i guess coz the brain and the senses have gone into overdrive the whole night. but he won't have it any other way. he loves dreaming.

AG is just like him. she dreams every night. in fact, she lives to dream. every morning she wakes to tell me about her adventures with superheroes and jedi(s) and cartoon characters etc... she once said that every dream she has is more exciting than the night before.

the only time i dream, is when i'm pregnant. i think it's the sperm inside that conjures up images in my sleep. but i digress ....

me : hey babes, i dreamt last night
AG : REALLY!! me too. ok, you first.
me : i dreamt that i was looking for a new job at a furniture shop - like a philippe starck type of shop. one that sells interesting pieces, i explained. and the job would be for me to convince people why they need that piece to make their house look nice.
AG : *face numb in disbelief* ... that's a good try ... mom ... a bit boring ... but a good try.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
earlier this year, i became facinated with the idea of sex with an older man. to a point where i can't wait for hubs to age coz i think it can only get better with experience.

then the other night, i dreamt it. sex with an older man (not hubs, just someone faceless). but i just could not go thru with it. not because he wasn't sexy ... coz faceless people can be mysteriously sexy (oh, you've got to be scorp to get that). but because i was just overwhelmed by that "old people smell". you know, the one grandma has.

ooooooh what a turn-off. well there goes that fantasy right down the drain.

love is lemon sherbet

the woman giveth, then the woman taketh away. but it wasn't her fault. unbeknownst to her, i would crave the same delicious poison that she served and titilated my palate with last night. she hadn't an inkling that i would crave the tangy lemon sherbet which she shared from her own personal stash, to satiate my appetite after a sinful dinner.

but the love is strong in another (not that the love isn't strong with the first) i am grateful for the other as she is, as i type this, making a detour to pick a carton of lemon sherbet coz i am craving for it.

what will i do without girlfriends! they keep my mood swings in check and my being satisfied.

i feel a bacon'ing

i haven't had bacon in eons and i feel the crave coming on. but the kid doesn't like fried food so i don't really know how i'm going to work around this. i thought of doing a cream sauce and putting the bacon in it (like a carbonara) but the cream won't stand a chance. also, for some strange anal reason, i can't help but think how fattening CARBOnara is. i know, it's psychological but since the diet, my head has been seriously screwed with. just the thought of it makes me feel so "jelak".

anyways, i found this bacon website and got excited. so we'll see, i'm still not into cooking and i dunno how the smell of bacon sizzling in the pan is going to affect me. but damn the bacon looks good.

the countdown has begun

hubs and i went for our scan recently and were absolutely floored when the image came on. we were expecting to see this bean like figure but what we saw was a fully developed baby!

so it turns out that we're farther along than we thot we were. 10 weeks to be exact. i'm due on 1 july 2009. cancerian.

the baby is controlling what i eat. does not like chicken or fried food. and it hates milk. ooooh man does it hate milk! and it seems to not like dinner too. i get to stuff my face from the time i wake till 5pm. then everything that goes in after 5pm, comes out. ermmmmm, unless it's fruit. fruit stays in.

footnote : it annoys hubs that i keep reffing that WE are pregnant coz he feels like all he's done is lock, load, aim and shoot. but i insist on using WE coz he has to put up with my mood swings, and nausea, and mood swings, and satisfy my cravings and did i mention mood swings.

snakes and ladders

pregnancy is a time for joy and excitement but many people are making it hard for me to shift into gear. the most common statement i've heard in the last month is "so wasted ah, that you are pregnant. after you worked so hard to lose weight, now you have to put on again."

at first i laughed it off and even joked back but then these insensitive remarks have became incessant. and instead of people congratulating me, it was like they were offering me pity.

i feel like i've been playing snakes and ladders and i'm up to square 99, got bitten by the snake and now i'm back down to zero. and since i champion rebirth, i'm all set to climb again but every move i make takes me back to zero. how cruel is that.

i do think abt the weight i've lost and i'm making mental notes to remind myself to not be anal abt it and just go with the flow with this pregnancy. i'm paranoid about the return of my 2 nemesis(s) ... terrible thunder thighs and the dreaded double chin. hubs, who has been amazing, keeps reminding me to block these out and enjoy myself.

this baby is changing me in a way my other 3 kids didn't. there are smells that i am so sensitive to and food that i absolutely cannot stomach. i also don't feel pretty (not a low esteem thing) just that i don't find the pleasure in make-up anymore. nor am i interested in dressing up or creating looks. nada.

so life goes on. i look forward to happier times. xmas may be just the thing to excite me again. i'm sure once the family whips out the feng and devil's curry, i'll be all good : )

who's the boss?

it's strange breaking out of diet mode. i'm having a lot of difficulty focusing on what i can and should be eating. the good news is that i still have had no craving to eat rice or chocolate yet. so i haven't satisfied my crave for nasi lemak - i like the idea of eating it, but don't feel the need to indulge. sigh ... tho i'm sure the need will come eventually.

i've been eating bread and noodles for my carb intake which has been very satisfying, i must say. and i'm still keeping to the priciples of the diet with eating lots of veg and fruit. this child is spawn of a healthy lifestyle.

the other day, i wanted to have a curry puff. a hot, crispy and savoury sardine curry puff. the moment i opened the bag, the smell of the puff put me off big time. but i REALLY wanted to eat it so i said,"you are not the boss of me you little person!" and i ate it. then 2 minutes later, the little person threw a tantrum which had me blowing chunks. "Ya-ah *z-snap* i am SO the boss of you, you better believe it!"

overwhelmed

i confess, i've purposely not blogged for weeks as i struggled with the realisation of a new life. i was 4 kg from goal when hubs and i found that we have a bun in the oven.

my first reaction was fervent upset. i was angry that i had come so close to triumphantly finishing something that i had worked so hard for, only to have it end abruptly and not on my accord. suddenly, i am hungry every 3 hours, suddenly i need more calcium in my body, suddenly, i need to eat more carbs coz the metabolic rate has accelerated. i hated it. i had no control over my being. i was being selfish. i couldn't believe this was happening again! i couldn't see the joy of the miracle of life. i was just thinking of me. selfish little me.

hubs was overjoyed. the moment he found out, he told everyone. i on the other hand, waited days before i broke the news, even to my mother.

then i told myself, that baby can feel this negative energy and this is really not how i want it to be welcomed in this world. i also had to will myself to snap out of this rut coz when i was preggers with bu, i went into major antenatal depression and i swear it wasn't fun. i was crying for no reason and sad all the time. plus i had to juggle work and the kids. it was emotionally tuff.

so here i am, finally brave enuf to share the happy news. finally accepting that the baby is a blessing and that i am ready to love a new little person. to tell you the truth, i really wouldn't mind another child, i just want to by-pass the pregnancy bit. ohhhh, my body is too old for this ride. baby is due in july, a cancerian. good for keeping the peace in our den of scorps :) like i said, a blessing.

AG wants a girl but is now thinking twice coz she does not want to compromise having the privacy of her own room. MB doesn't really care, being the diplomat that he is, he wouldn't mind a half and half ... whatever that is. And Bu, who has never had the privy of seeing me with child, wants me to give birth to a car - a fast car.

i'll keep you posted.

PS - so what was that question abt the sex improving again?