Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love ... 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy - chocolate sweet chocolate

i'm just off my high of giving a 25 slide presentation to senior management. i spent the whole of yesterday data crunching then case-finding to support the said data.

went well i think. i say this coz i had some bad news to tell and they did look miserable after i was done. they also had nothing to say at the Q&A. which could mean one of 2 things : i bored them out of their socks or my message was loud and clear. i think it's the latter coz the coffee served was hot and strong. plus i was really working the eye-contact thing.

now, i'm sitting at my desk. i'm eating an apple but i'm wishing that it is a bar of chocolate. dark chocolate with nuts. dark bitter-sweet chocolate with almonds - roasted almonds to be specific. so why don't i just eat the chocolate (coz i have one in my overhead cupboard)? coz i got on the freaking scales this morning and i'm up a kg! dammit. still within range tho but still ... PMS starts next week, so what gives!

alas, my only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, That I must love a loathèd enemy.

mind over matter ... mind over matter ...

POSTNOTE : i caved at about 4-some. i popped 2 squares in my mouth. somehow, pre-meditated chocolate is not as good at spontaneous chocolate. the guilt got in the way. sigh.

taking a break

today is my last day in the office. i've taken my maternity leave early and won't be back at the desk till end of sept. woo hoo!

welllll, we'll see how long that excitement lasts. i'm a workaholic, i love the stress. i'm going to give myself a week before i start checking my emails for updates.

i'm so useless ... i know. right up till the baby comes at least. then i'll be a full time cow. mooooo.

new addiction

since the whole influenza A (H1N1) started, the hospital has been pushing spread preventive measures to all staff. it started with the refresher for how to don the personal protective equipment (PPE) mask inclusive. 3 types of masks mind you, in case stocks run out. then came the hand washing campaign.

this is my least favorite call to action coz i'm allergic to hand sanitizers. it just works up my eczema in a nasty wicked way. but lately, the hospital has changed the generic brand of hand wash. the new one now has an emollient of sorts in the mixture, making it almost moisturizing.

now ... i'm a hand creme/ lotion person ... because of the said eczema. so this new product, that is available around every nook and cranny on hospital grounds, is my new BFF. and i love the toxic alcohol-based smell. i really do. it's freaking addictive. like the smell of fresh paint or detol or super glue. i draw my line at gasoline but you get my drift.

it's my new addiction, until i get to buy my pack of marlboros again.

the day the internet died

this time there was a legit excuse for not blogging ... i have been internet-less for almost 2 weeks. i was dragged back to retro-land and believe you me, it was not fun!

first, i tripped over hubs' ibook and totalled the plug to his adapter. i was ok ... i fell on the couch. the ibook also survived. the powerpoint on the other hand blew up. so that was the end of the internet at home. (hero was in abu dhabi remember, which was a good thing too else i would have gotten some flak!)

then when i went to work, internet was cut-off on a corporate level coz there was a vicious virus attack on the admin systems and all lappys/ pcs had to be quarantined. even the thumb drives needed to be scanned and approved. and that began my 2 week journey into the black hole of the primitive.

no google meant that very smart high level people were left helpless. my boss, bless her soul, would come into my cube to spellcheck.

boss : how do you spell chicken skewers
me : do i need to help you with the chicken part?

eventually, i lugged a dictionary to the office. my thumb has not had page-burn since i was in school!

BUT ... i have to say that i now know what my colleagues look like. for without MSN, i was actually forced out of my cube to talk to people. LOL.

my team rocks!

i received my first Boss's Day pressie this year and it made me feel elated. to have hand-picked a team and see them work so well together. to see their learning curve steepen, to feel the commadarie, to see their initiative. to guide and advise. simply amazing.

then to have this team appreciate me back. thats almost as cool as having kids! i couldn't have asked for a better team :)

thanks for the ride .... wwwwwwhat a rush!

i broke my one golden rule. colleagues are friends and not family. and now i am paying for it with a broken heart.

i've been waiting 7 years for a colleague like him for a male energy whom i could relate to. for years all i've had were female colleagues. all these high tension emotions that i'm not usually fond of or know how to manage. he related to my less feminine interests. someone i could talk to about soccer and wrestling and ... well ... man stuff.

we talked every day. he'd come to my cube and we'd make goofy faces at each other. give each other theme songs. create msn avatar theme weeks. talk nonsense and reminisce old school stuff. he was the rascal brother i never had. he took my work stress away. i'd like to think i returned the favour.

he always came to me with his problems and i was there to fix it. mostly work but sometimes about family. now i wish i listened harder when he spoke to me. i wish i picked up on the nuances of his sometimes hapless avatars. i wish i listened to my gut feelings. i wish i could have helped fix his problems. or at least try.

all i feel now is pain. i'm all cried out .... but it's not about me, it's about him.

i really hope you have found peace and that you are happier dude ... friend ..... brother. it's been quite a ride.

fist of fury

it's crunch time at the office and everyone is tense. we have a mass casualty exercise coming this friday and next saturday. we are also up for renewing some ISO docs, which is a big deal. all these in a span of about 10 days. the stress is mounting, even in the best of us.

unfortunately, the tension is bringing out the worst in most. the anals have gotten more anal and the slackers are just asking to be victimised. i've found so many loose ends that every day i feel like an assassin, just waiting to straighten out my next target. i'm warning you, don't make me use my fists of fury y'all.

speaking of fists of fury, found this article on the net about how to make a powerful fist, aside from the norm. cool huh.

friend or foe

i make the worst friend. i'm brutally honest and feelingless. it's hard for me to mince my judgment, even for the ones i care about. i prefer that people don't ask for my opinion, coz it's hard to mask my true feelings and sometimes it's not what they want to hear. you wouldn't believe how many people i've pissed off in my lifetime.

if you've had a bad day or if you need support, my door is not the one you want to knock on for a feel good pick-me-upper. i suck at helping people find themselves and building relationships. you either like me or don't. kinda like blue cheese ... i'm an acquired taste. my close friends know this. i'm glad i actually DO have close friends ... these people who are a sucker for pain. i love them to bits because they understand this hermit side of me. never probing always respectful of my space.

ironically, i get paid to listen to problems and offer support. almost hooker-like, i function mechanically. telling people what they want to hear. there's a formula to this, key words and efforts that seem to work on everyone, regardless of age and race. but it's an effort. when i get off work, the last thing i want to do is socialise. i'm not interested in meeting new people, i'm very happy with the ones i already know. but once in a while i meet someone with the same dark chemistry. the connection is almost explosive.

many times i wonder if i was born without the tenderness gene. if i was made to be friend or foe. either way, i am what i am and never what you want me to be.