i don't run the circus, i'm just one of the clowns.

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up to the greatest show on earth. the ring-a-ding circus is in town. this is what the kids do when they are not on the tv, laptop or iphone. they hope that one day, they will be able to make some moolah with their act. this game is called circus and they always try for better :)

ta dah!

the dismount

i couldn't help joining in

i'll have you know that the safety officer Mr MB scolded AG for posing for those pix. she was supposed to keep both hands on the ground at all times he said sternly. this is quite the promotion since his last stint some 3 years ago. what ... you've forgotten? here's the recap.

Jane Seymour said "Motherhood has relaxed me in many ways. You learn to deal with crisis. I've become a juggler, I suppose. It's all a big circus, and nobody who knows me believes I can manage, but sometimes I do."

down the beaten path

this is how i feel about my last 2 weeks. punched and beaten and knackered.

first the 3 big kids were ill. one by one with super high fever (39 degrees) and serious laryngitis. ulcers on inflamed tonsils and down the throat. then the baby came down with hand foot and mouth - second review tomorrow. she's been so cranky and has been all over me ... wanting only me.

i've had to stay home for days on both weeks nursing them. which means that the work has been piling in the office = late nights trying to clear the back-log. PLUS hubs was out-stationed during this time. i've had to battle this on my own. ugh. really tough days.

he's back now, but not quite. he's been working on an event where his nights have merged into days. i haven't spent an hour with him since he came back - so i've not been able to draw strength or re-charge.

it's still all me at the home front w the kids and juggling their school and work.

sigh ... just knock me out already. i need a break.

mother of a day

i pulled a nerve in my back, trying to open a jar of sun dried tomatoes, last night. the sharp pain traveled from the back of my neck down to my hip. now it hurts like hell and it's mighty uncomfortable. quasimodo in the house!

to add to that, i danced w the devil and ate salted egg crabs for dinner last night. we all know, i'm allergic to crustaceans. i took my anti-histamine before indulging but i knew that it wouldn't be enough to avoid the consequences. yet, tho i was armed w the knowledge and familiar with the repercussions, i ate the crab. this morning, i am an itching mess. i also have a swollen tongue and a tight throat.

to add salt to a wound, i seem to have caught the viral gastroenteritis (GE) bug from AG who got it from Bu. or maybe not coz intestinal irritation is also an allergic reaction.

so to sum it up, i feel like shite. i had to call my mom in to help me w the kids today instead of celebrating all that she has done for me. some mother's day this is turning out to be.

mother's day, schmother's day. really, we should appreciate mothers everyday. do we really need a day to prompt us to be nice to our moms, instead of taking them for granted, knowing that they will understand? we play them as much as they play us. but i think we started playing them first. that incessant crying as a baby coz we wanted to be carried, knowing that it tugged at their heart strings. we play moms like a fiddle. and moms, being moms, know this and they still bend backwards for us.

i called my grandmother to wish her "happy mother's day" and to tell her that i would not be able to visit her today. very calmly, she said,"that's ok, mothers should always expect disappointment. don't worry, i know you love me and we both love each other." all i could offer back was a meek promise to visit when i feel better. but i could tell in her voice that she knew not to hold her breath.

i was dumbfounded by the sheer truth of that statement and the impact (in all it's simplicity) it had on me. i know for sure, that as a mom, i'm disappointed a lot. by the kids, the hubs and situations that i have to deal with. like today for eg, hubs has missed mother's day 3 times in a row because of work. which means, i don't get my due appreciation today. and yet, i deal with it and make the most of it. i know he loves me and if given the opportunity, he would not miss it.

so ... appreciate your mother always. believe me, i know it's tough, but they deserve it. if nothing else, for carrying you uncomfortably for 9 months and having to push you out in pain but with so much love.

bff

angel girl had her first bff type phone call today. she was really excited. this girl is her class-mate but they only recently started talking. they are both on the volleyball team and are in the same catechism class too. for me, it was really cute to see her lounged on the sofa making idle banter. sure, this same stance is going to be the splinter in my side for all of her up-coming teenage years. but seeing her like that brought back fond girlish memories for me too.

they talked about liking the same type of computer games (plants vs zombies), the same tv channel (nickelodeon and mtv), family (she too has annoying brothers). i let her talk for about 15 mins and insisted on being at ear-shot. then when time was up, i gave her the pointing-finger-in-motion signal to wrap it up. which she did but not before the girl said she'd call her this evening. *looks like it's game on!*

when she was done, i was quick to give her the friendship talk to call-out the other person's bad decision should the need arise. sure friends are all about support and love but it's more than that. as a responsible friend, you need to tell them when they are heading for trouble. then support them even if they decide to go down that path.

may have been a little pre-mature, but it's never too early to instill the virtue of independent thinking. i've seen so many swayed by the herd mentality of following rather than thinking for themselves. but she's a smart kid. there are others in my tribe i should be more concerned a about.

china bathhouse *tho the pic is really japanese ... shhhh*

wondering why i haven't been blogging? truth is i have no time. REALLY. 4 kids + hubs not in singapore for a month + mom staying with me FOR A MONTH + i've got a 8:30 - 7pm job + i wake at 5:00am only to sleep at midnight + i wake up everynight to feed the baby twice (once at 2am and again at 5am) and i haven't had my jollies in a while so i've been grumpy .... hmmmm, i really should work blogging into my schedule.

and i have. yes this blogger is a trooper. a SUPER TROOPER .... *resisting the urge to break out in song*.

so hubs is on a tour of countries for a series of events. he left on 8 nov for mumbai,india then phuket,thailand then tokyo,japan then seoul,korea NOW in beijing,china *home for 3 days next week... what a bloody tease* then kuala lumpur, malaysia and lastly sydney, australia. PHEW! officially back on 6 dec.

bu has been missing hubs and today he asked if we could call him. so i texted him to see if it's ok for me to call. he said yeah and so we did.

bu : dada, where are you?

hubs : beijing china

bu : what? bathing in china!

hubs : nooooo, i'm in china

*blah, blah .... i miss you, come back soon .... and they hang up* i look at him and the boy has his palms cupping his little scrunged up face with furrowed brows. so i ask ..

me : what's wrong bu?

bu : i just don't understand why dada has to take a bath in china. we have a bathroom too. can't he bath here!

a tale of 2 jugs

is the mother's jugs half empty or half full? well the answer is both.

this is because her precious youngling has decided that she prefers one boob over the other.

yes, you read right! at just 5 weeks of life, dollface has decided that the left boob is the way to go and the right boob is just decoration. scary how opinionated she is considering that she is not a scorp!

hence now 9 weeks down, this milkmaid is lugging around 100mls of the good stuff on one side and close to nothing on the other. it's a strange feeling to be heavy on one side. sometimes i even feel that my gait is affected. i walked into a wall the other day, but that could also be because of the lack of sleep. but i digress. my boobs feel jekyll and hyde-esque - one side pam anderson, the other side kate hudson.

i've never really been successful with breastfeeding, so to be able to provide for this long(discomforts aside) is very fulfilling. i guess i was just not born to be a milkmaid but goddammit i sure am trying with this child. and i enjoy every minute of it (sans the time when i had engorgement from hell! ... but that's another story)

2 queens

and then it dawned on me. i'm not angry that he isn't here by my side. i'm frustrated that because he is not here, she has to be around. i've said it before, and i'll say it again. 2 queens in one castle is not a good thing.

today, i asked the other queen to take the day off while i stayed home with my 3 merry men. they were trying but they didn't break my mood.

there were tantrums and peace talks and defiance and trickery but it was all good. and i remained sane. the whole day : )

iiiiaaaammmmmmmm nooootttttttt your super-wooooooooman

i've been toggling with my emotions lately. hubs is away in bangkok and won't be back till next monday. i'm 38 weeks preggers and am supposed to stay positive and keep happy thoughts while i wait crossed-legged for his return.

on one hand i'm completely cool with this. altho i've made plans with friends to jump into action should i go into labour, i think i will also be ok to do it alone. just me and the doc, no frills.

on the other hand, this whole arrangement just frustrates me.

POSTNOTE 19/6 :
today i feel angry. angry and selfish. and alone. my hats are off to the many women out there who have gone thru pregnancy and birth without their partners. my hats are off to these superwomen who bear no grudge or ill thoughts of their partners who have shared responsibility of having put them in this situation. these amazing women who can focus their positive emotions on the glorious birth at hand. who brave the struggles of labour alone and embrace motherhood with fervor.

my grandma told me that for all her 5 kids, when she felt labour coming on, she walked to the clinic, had her child, rested for a few hours then walked home with her newborn swaddled close. in time to greet my grandfather at the door when he returned from work.

now that's a superwoman. and i'm not she ...

overwhelmed

i confess, i've purposely not blogged for weeks as i struggled with the realisation of a new life. i was 4 kg from goal when hubs and i found that we have a bun in the oven.

my first reaction was fervent upset. i was angry that i had come so close to triumphantly finishing something that i had worked so hard for, only to have it end abruptly and not on my accord. suddenly, i am hungry every 3 hours, suddenly i need more calcium in my body, suddenly, i need to eat more carbs coz the metabolic rate has accelerated. i hated it. i had no control over my being. i was being selfish. i couldn't believe this was happening again! i couldn't see the joy of the miracle of life. i was just thinking of me. selfish little me.

hubs was overjoyed. the moment he found out, he told everyone. i on the other hand, waited days before i broke the news, even to my mother.

then i told myself, that baby can feel this negative energy and this is really not how i want it to be welcomed in this world. i also had to will myself to snap out of this rut coz when i was preggers with bu, i went into major antenatal depression and i swear it wasn't fun. i was crying for no reason and sad all the time. plus i had to juggle work and the kids. it was emotionally tuff.

so here i am, finally brave enuf to share the happy news. finally accepting that the baby is a blessing and that i am ready to love a new little person. to tell you the truth, i really wouldn't mind another child, i just want to by-pass the pregnancy bit. ohhhh, my body is too old for this ride. baby is due in july, a cancerian. good for keeping the peace in our den of scorps :) like i said, a blessing.

AG wants a girl but is now thinking twice coz she does not want to compromise having the privacy of her own room. MB doesn't really care, being the diplomat that he is, he wouldn't mind a half and half ... whatever that is. And Bu, who has never had the privy of seeing me with child, wants me to give birth to a car - a fast car.

i'll keep you posted.

PS - so what was that question abt the sex improving again?

the night that wouldn't end

baby bu has had a runny nose for 3 days now. angel girl, who has been on a baby-kissing marathon, caught the sniffles on friday night. in kissing her, i caught the flu then passed it to the hubs. so sunday was pretty much screwed for all of us.

monkey boy has turned out to be the victor in this sick game of pass-the-bug. to a point where i think he feels left out that he is not part of this nasal orchestra. i seem to be the loser as i have to put up with the grumpy hubs (who doesn't know if he is coming or going), baby bu who has a serious case of "manja-ni-tis" and angel girl who is the worst hit but is in medical denial.

i've been awake since 2am now nursing her. she coughs but doesn't want to cough up. now her tummy is cramped from all that controlled coughing. it's frustrating. she doesn't want to lie down anymore. i get hauled out of bed to sit with her while she watches cartoon network. we are patiently waiting for the clinic to open at 8:30. *time goes by ... so slowly*

i'm just about wasted. my tongue is so numb i'm not sure if it's in my mouth anymore. my body is aching so much, my skin feels raw. it feels like happy hour in my nose as the house pour continues to run relentlessly. and don't even get me started on the headache. sigh. whoever said "with pain comes pleasure" was definately not a mom!

mom enuf for ya!?!

5 past MIDNIGHT - gave the baby milk
12:15 - saw a fat juicy cockroach crawling up the baby's cot while i was feeding him. with one hand on bottle, flicked the roach away with other hand while balancing on one leg coz trying to reach for barbie colouring book on floor with my toes ( to make a rolled bat)
12:17 - done with feed, tap baby to sleep. after, tried to wake hubs but ........ we all know how he sleeps
12:19 - started roach hunt (went nearly blind too). found the roach but too far under the son's bed
12:22 - 12:30 - said prayers for the damn roach to come out so that i can end my misery
12:32 - god heard me ... roach starts to crawl out from under the bed
12:32:41 - i crushed the roach! ... i rock! aiieeeeiieeeeeiiiiiiieeeeeeeee (xena-like victory cry)
12:35 - contemplated on a victory smoke, but decided against it
12:40 - changed the diapers of the baby and boy
12:45 - put AC on timer, dusted feet, tucked into bed
12:48 - hubs rolls over and asks for back massage (btw, he's been asleep since 11)
12:50 - 1:00 - massaged hubs back (KNN)
1:15 - put koyok on hubs back
1:17 - WENT FOR THE SMOKE THAT I SOOOOO DESERVE!
1:25 - dusted feet, tucked myself into bed
4:00 - baby cries, diaper is wet, changed diaper, put him back to sleep
4:10 - son cries (coz baby woke him) tapped son to sleep
4:20 - barely made it back to bed
7:00 - son wakes up, calls for mummy, i ignore so he entertains himself. but because he is a awake and wandering, i don't actually go back to sleep.
8:00 - baby wails, hubs takes baby out of the cot and returns to sleep ... (this begins his waking process which usually takes an hr)
8:15 - baby pulls me out of the bed (actually he tugged me gently) .... he's so cute : )
9:00 - hubs rises ... only because i pissed him off by insinuating that he is slow in waking *everybody now, tilt head and raise one eyebrow*
9:50 - hubs asks me why he has koyok on his back!!
10 - 10:20 - washed and changed the kids, washed up, painted face, hurried the family off to church.....

warm fuzzy feeling

i had charge of the kids today. hubs went for an event set-up at 7am (and he's still not home yet). i was upset coz it's sunday (family day) and i just lost my partner in crime. also the thot of single-handedly managing the monkeys on my own all day was not something i was looking forward to.

but it turned out ok. more than ok even. i woke at 9 believe it or not. the kids were awake earlier but they amused themselves till then and only woke me coz they were hungry. i gave them all baths and we had bf together. later my mom decided to take the boy for a bus ride and i was left home with the baby and the princess. i enjoyed them both. singing and drawing and chasing and hugging and napping and dancing. i had a blast!

it was simply decadent to spend the day indulging in the kids. i also felt so loved as they hugged me excessively *the girl* and slobbered me with wet kisses *the teething baby*. i watched them breathe as they slept peacefully and i thot to myself that being a parent ain't half bad after all.

i'm going to make it people. it's all good : )

ps - i wish i had a newer pix of my bambinos. almost a year has passed since this was taken. they have all changed a lot. still you can just about make out their personalities, sweet-sweet angel girl, cheeky monkey boy and cuddly baby bu.

in a nutshell

next week, i am registering angel girl for primary one ed. time sure flies! this is a huge step for me. 2007 is going to be madness. baby is learning how to walk now, he is 8 months old. my boys have all been fast walkers but slow talkers. not that it matters.

all have not been well lately as the flu bug made it's rounds. princess had a slight asthma attack which scared us all. she was like a fish out of water ... gasping. that same day, monkey boy was also coughing up a storm. took both to the peadiatric dr and had to nebulise them as the cough got wicked. even the adults were not spared. the hubs was tethering in limbo world (like he always is but even more so now) due to late night soccer round-robin with work - vicious cycle. i have been hit with a nasty bout of eczema. so i've reduced my coffee intake to only one cup (from 5) and popping evening primrose. (although there has not been any scientific support that it works) maybe it's psychological.

just this month, we spent close to 1K on medical bills. totally wiped out what little savings i had. kids are so expensive coz you always want the best for them. but it was money well spent as it did not take long before they were themselves again. but still .... the pocket hurts.

father's day

last friday my girlfriend reminded me that sunday was father's day. she asked if i had anything prepared for the hubster. sheepishly i said no, then thot that he didn't need a pressie to remind him that i was the one who endured labour for a total of 42 hours (collectively) only to have all the kids say dada first. why does he deserve to be celebrated, when a career woman like me has to rush home from work everyday to be the bitch of the castle, ordering the kids to have dinner and wash up while he saunters in at 9-some only to be their best friend.

we both didn't have father figures while we were growing up so there was no reference point for us to measure if he was on the right track. his instinct kicked him good and hard when angel-girl was born. by the time we had the 2 boys, he was an old hand in the game. he could parent with his eyes closed (and lying in bed) which he does on the saturday mornings while i'm at work.

superglue moments aside, he IS a good father. he may not make the best husband but i couldn't ask for a better partner in raising our kids. he is a one-man-creativity-machine-cum-human-tampolene. the kids love him to bits, not just mine, all kids. he lets them run wild and knows when to pull them back. they listen to him coz he listens to them and gives them respect. while i am caught up with the day to day, trying my darnest to be super mom, he has built a relationship with each and every one of them. now that deserves some credit.

boys will be boys and men will be men

what a week! drama after drama unfolded on my unsuspecting 3-year-old and his anxious and frantic mother (aka me). first he got punched in the neck by a school mate which left him with a stiff neck for 2 days. when i called the school for them to "look into the matter", i found out that he was hit by a smaller kid who could not talk yet. so much for the interrogation process. no need for the good-cop-bad-cop routine. we had to drop the issue. not before my hubs teaches the boy to keropok back the next time he gets hit.

then on sunday he runs into the computer table and splits the skin at the ridge above his upper lip. Ex-vet assistant, the IVAN-NATOR said that the wound was deep and that he might need stitches. he said for a quick fix, we could use some superglue on the top just to seal the wound coz he's done this on animals before. i gave the knowing (are you MADDDDD) look and walked out of the room coz i needed to call the insurance agent to check on coverage. then the hubs goes to check on the damage and moments later, i hear the boy scream. i go into the room and lo and behold, there lay my child with superglue on his face. i'm just glad that the stapler gun was not in sight!

this is all following his 2 week Hand Foot and Mouth Disease fiasco we had last month and the conjuctivities allergic reaction where his eyeball nearly swelled out of it's socket. then of cause we experienced the popular stuck-in-the-toilet episode.

all that said, the boy is fine. unprompted, he thanks jesus every morning for healing him. i've heard that boys will get banged up and scratched and bruised but i wish to god that these adventures could just pace themselves out before i turn into a bald-chain-smoking-tequila-chugging-freak-of-nature.