to go with the ebb and flow

bali is in 4 days and i can't decide if i'm excited or not. right off the bat, i have to say that the recent tsunami has gotten my attention. paranoia is in my head and i hope it does not take over. i've found this website but i hesitate to register. i wonder if it works and whether it will just feed my horror rather than allay my anxiety.

how am i going to have a restful night's sleep knowing that the sea is right out my window/ balcony? and sleep is big on my agenda. sigh. i hope i'm not going to get all tight arsed and learn to relax. i'm going to buy alcohol on my way in, hopefully it will help. aside ... i hope mother nature shows us some love ... from one mother to another, mother nature ma'am .... you know i deserve this holiday.

blue moon

the moon, the melancholic moon, it's manipulating me. she's parked herself in scorpio and i feel myself crashing into reflection.

is this the life i was supposed to have? is there more i want? is this how i want to be loved? do i deserve better? can i do more? am i doing what i want? can i speak my mind? am i a good person? do i want to be a good person? or do i just want to appear like a good person? is this my life or your life lived through my being?

is my life the reflection of my thoughts?

mocking the bird

this saturday i took the 3 big kids with me while i ran some errands. my last run was at raffles place so we took the time to look at the many sculptures there. we stopped in front of this one for a while as we made out the abstract meaning. our answers really mirror-ed our personalities.


the creative AG - it looks like an open mouth (like with a flip-top head) with the tongue sticking out in a 'C' ... kinda making a monkey face

the stoic MB - i see nothing. yeah ... nothing ... just a bunch of metal. nothing.

the vehicular Bu - i see a ship ... a boat with the wind blowing in the sail.

me : i see 3 dead birds killed by an arrow

all : Mmooommmmmmm!!!!

me : hee ... but it's true. oh all right ... i see a dog getting a tummy scratch/ rub. how's that for a happy ending?

AG : better :)

and off to mac-ers we went for lunch.

the pretenders ... aren't we all

feeling alone again. i'm trying so hard to keep things together single handedly. but every time i think i'm making some head-way, a seam gives. i'm running out of ideas on how to fix things. how to keep it whole without wasting away. i pretend that it's all good. that i've got a handle on things. but really ... i'm tired. not strong enough. i think i just need a good cry and maybe a little jesus.

signs of pain

so here's my theory about pain. physical pain is for the moment; it's the emotional pain that will kill you.i've always felt that physical pain is mind over matter but emotional pain catches you off guard and sometimes at your most vulnerable.

take exhibit A (me), i've endured having my entire left thigh, from just above the knee to 3 inches from my hip, skinned when i accidentally walked into a 5' drain and scraped my leg against the granite wall. i've endured the pain of having 3 stitches on my left thumb, just behind the nail where all the nerve endings are, without LA. oh i also had to endure pain when the the doctor injected the LA 3 times into the muscle at the base of my thumb, without much success, which is why he had to go ahead w the stitching coz i was bleeding my arm dry.

i've also ensured surgically removing all my wisdom teeth at one go. i remember looking like a chipmunk coz my mouth was so swollen and having steak later that evening. then there are the 4 kids that i've given birth to naturally and the 4 times engorgement madness with each child. not to mention the tattoos.

i look back at these events in jest. yes, my threshold for pain is high. sucker you say ... heh. i do remember hurting like hell when it happened but i forget, how bad it hurt.

... which is exactly my point. with all these experiences, if you ask me now to rate the pain, i can honestly say, i cannot remember. but if you ask me to recall how i felt when my first crush dumped me in my pubescent years, the pain - although insignificant now, comes back, sometimes 10 fold - depending on what i remember, and it festers. and then i have to will myself out of the self induced rut.

ps : interestingly, i find that physical pain numbs out mental/ emotional pain. which is why, i guess, people become self destructive. but that's another train of thought altogether.

:(

it is also hard to write abt love when i'm not feeling my best. it's been a tough 2ish weeks for me. struggling emotionally. giving my all. i'm just so very tired and i feel unappreciated. won't say who, what or why. so don't dig. i'm just unhappy.

moonshine

it's time .... it's now. do you sense it. the house feels strong ... my little den has found new confidence as we bask in scorpio-dom.

bu turns 3 tomorrow and hubs turns 37, 3 days after. AG turns 8 on the 10th and i turn 36 also 3 days later. it's a re-run experience for me this year as hubs leaves for vietnam before my bday. at least i've had practice ... bah!

yup, do you sense it. the reflection, the depression, the silent strength, the new found self, the rebirth.

nothing

lately i feel that i am servant to all. i'm beginning to feel like there is not enuf of me to go around.everybody else's needs are met and i'm left feeling frustrated and short changed. it's damn frustrating.

everybody builds their lives and schedules around themselves and i'm left to fit in the gaps or pick up after them. so their lives move on and i'm left with scraps. it's like i'm wearing a big-ass sign that says,"yeah, you work out what's good in your life and take as much time as you like. i'll just wait here at the sidelines for when you are ready."

and i mean EVERYBODY has been treating me this way. yes, even the kids. what do i have to do to get a little attention!

my being feels really annoyed. i cried in frustration earlier, for a bout a minute when realisation sank. but i'm more together now. still feel upset because if i were to share this with the people who are making me feel this way, i'm either going to be 1) asked to understand/ see it from their point of view ie be understanding of their situation or 2) have an awkward moment.

i feel dumb for being the martyr. damn it, i feel numb.

hair standing on ends

have you ever known anyone that just rubs you the wrong way. a person who the cosmos has decided that the chemistry mix of the individual is like acid to your soul?

i've had the displeasure. i get riled up and have palpitations from what feels like blood boiling.

i'm not sure why this happens. it's unphantomable. i guess some people really DO rub others the wrong way. i'm done trying to put my finger on it. it just is ... *eye twitch*

you be the judge

this is just too much of a coincidence. in the last week, i've had 3 people ask me if i am cautious with what i write on the blog because of the audience reading it.

hmmmm, lets see ... i blog honestly about how i feel but not necessarily how i am feeling at the time of the blog. most of my blogs are post-dated emotions ( ie , i don't have the time of day to share my thots when they pop up) so like in a string, i could be happy, angry then sad all at once. i do worry if people think that i may have bi-polar tendencies, coz some of my entries may indicate this : ), but thats about as far as my fear of being judged goes.

i am being honest with myself when i write - i truly am witty you know. i find the blog a very good outlet to share my feelings. it's better than a written diary which is so 1 dimentional. i appreciate that people share in my joy or wallow in my sorrow with me. i don't feel that it constrains my style because my life is on a platter for public scrutiny. on the contrary, i enjoy being careful with my words and i don't mince. if i meant it to hurt, you better believe the pain.

my only constraint is the anonymous-ness of it. i do it for 2 reasons; coz hubs is more comfortable that way and paranoia - my second most favourite past-time where the first is still over-thinking.

so no, i'm not too worried about how people judge me coz i'm ok with being judged, family or otherwise.

POSTNOTE : bi-polar is a psychological condition. it is NOT bisexual polar bears. geez people!

mind games

sometimes i feel so schizo
i hate it when my thots run
i feel uncomfortable –
hair on ends, stomach cringing, want to rip my skin off
need to feel physical pain
punch a wall ... self-destruct so much anger why can’t people see my point ... from my point of view
why can’t people see how serious my point is
why can’t people see how their actions have affected me
why do people think my point is frivolous
why do people trivialize my feelings
why am i so misunderstood

it’s not funny!
drives me nuts …

...when I think abt it

on a roll

i was just thinking abt hubs (who is in phuket now). it was all sunshine and rainbows ... but just as soon as i went there, i felt anger creep in then hate took control. i got soooo upset, i almost gave myself an aneuresym.

hate is such a strong word and i always choose my words very carefully. i use "hate" never by accident. if i hate something, it's because i've given it due thot.

hatred today was sparked by a tangent of my thots which ruffled feelings of old. feelings that i guess i did not get closure for. funny, coz i thot i did. but you know how anger leads to hate which leads to suffering ..... maybe i blocked out closure so that the suffering will not begin. so what do i do with all these plans for painful suffering and bitchslapping revenge which i thot i didn't have but apparently i do?

then just as quickly as the tide came in, i felt a sense of calm.

ps - this artpiece has been a fave of mine for a long time. it's so angry and poetic at the same time. check out how mt fuji remains unwavering at the back while the storm kicks up. i dun usually like asian art, but i skew to japanese pieces like these.

hope

this picture is so beautiful. i feel like that down-trodden tree but know that there is a rainbow overhead and things will be better. i'm all about rebirth and hope. although there are days that i forget which pocket i've stashed my hope and i wallow in my sorrow instead.

i realised that i'm still on a pre-bday depression. i'm just frustrated with work, management and i am generally extremely tired. my house is looking more and more like a sty and i don't have the energy to do anything about it. so the mess builds every minute which then round-robins my annoyance.

here comes the sun

the healing has begun and sanity is returning. all i feel now is love.

as painful as the last few days have been, i feel that it was needed. it really was a wake-up call and i can't say i'm grateful it happened. but i can say that we are stronger for it.

this song's been ringing in my head all day. here comes the sun by the beatles.
....
Little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

feeling plastic

it's amazing what a little retail therapy can do for the spirit. the powers that be must have been attuned to my sorrow that they summoned my fave shops to have a mid-season sale. what did i buy? well, since i (was) feeling delicate and fragile, my collection of girlie tops and dresses just went up : )

me

the problem with being scorpio is that every emotion is times 100. that's coz we are so passionate in all we do. in the last few days, i think my head must have exploded 3 times from over-thinking every thought then dissecting the thought into a-gazillion other mini-thoughts. emotional roller-coaster rides were never my fave thrill.

i haven't suffered insomnia in over 10years. i've forgotten the repercussions. my eyes don't look like my eyes anymore, which frustrated me today. noticed it when i was applying make-up this morning. i didn't know what to do with my new puffy eye-lids.

for the first time in years, i feel vulnerable. i feel like a girl. i feel delicate. and it sure as hell feels uncomfortable.

the pseudo good thing that has come out of this is that i've lost all appetite. so hopefully, i get to lose weight.

sticks and stones

no matter how fast or vast technology advances, i think words are THE most damaging weapons of destruction *cue dramatic music*.

hmmmm ... it's a fine time to start a depression. bday's a round the corner and i'm not feeling whole. better brace my credit cards.

point break

i've trouble sleeping tonight as increadible sadness overwhelms over me. i question the choices i've made in life. the effort i've put in to make things happen. it's giving me a headache, but i still can't sleep.

do people really live to make others happy. is it really rewarding to help the underdog. should people expect appreciation or the gratitude? how does one recognise a wake-up call? does it need to slap you in the face or cause your heart to ache before you decide you've had enough.

is life really worth the pain. it's so much easier to give up and start a new. my uncle once told me, we sleep in the bed we make, no matter what life dishes out. i'm not liking the menu. and with this insomnia i'm not feeling the bed.

emo part two

i feel lonely. i feel lost and alone. i feel desolate.

i want attention. i need attention. i feel unappreciated and unloved.

i want to be wined and dined. pampered and made to feel special.

the lack of which makes me upset.

angry.

emo part one

what i thot was anger manifested into rage. boiling hot rage. i feel so angry.

angry with life.

i want to scream. i want to hit something and smash it to bits.

i want to throw things around. i want to make a mess. i want to rip my skin off.

my head is about to explode.

i need a hug.