friend or foe

i make the worst friend. i'm brutally honest and feelingless. it's hard for me to mince my judgment, even for the ones i care about. i prefer that people don't ask for my opinion, coz it's hard to mask my true feelings and sometimes it's not what they want to hear. you wouldn't believe how many people i've pissed off in my lifetime.

if you've had a bad day or if you need support, my door is not the one you want to knock on for a feel good pick-me-upper. i suck at helping people find themselves and building relationships. you either like me or don't. kinda like blue cheese ... i'm an acquired taste. my close friends know this. i'm glad i actually DO have close friends ... these people who are a sucker for pain. i love them to bits because they understand this hermit side of me. never probing always respectful of my space.

ironically, i get paid to listen to problems and offer support. almost hooker-like, i function mechanically. telling people what they want to hear. there's a formula to this, key words and efforts that seem to work on everyone, regardless of age and race. but it's an effort. when i get off work, the last thing i want to do is socialise. i'm not interested in meeting new people, i'm very happy with the ones i already know. but once in a while i meet someone with the same dark chemistry. the connection is almost explosive.

many times i wonder if i was born without the tenderness gene. if i was made to be friend or foe. either way, i am what i am and never what you want me to be.