believe

every saturday, i take the girl to catechism class. while she learns about jesus, i make a bee-line to the church library and devour anything than i can squeeze in in the hour that i am there. i don't borrow anything coz the likelihood of not finishing the book while at home is high. except for the tabloid trash that i read in the toilet, i have no time for personal reading.

but i digress, i've been reading a lot about saints lately - very gripping stuff.

I started with St Padre Pio he received the stigmata and many other interesting and blessed gifts of healing, prophecy, miracles, discernment of spirits. He was also able to convert sinners, able to read hearts (this has to do with confession - he could tell if you were telling the truth at confession!! like if you actually emptied your bag of lies or not) and had a fragrance which emanated from his wounds coz of the stigmata . But reading about the blood from the stigmata (and then getting a visual about it) was too much for me. i mean the man used to say mass with bleeding wounds.

Then I moved on to St Francis from Malacca (yes, our doorstep) who was mutilated after he passed on. He was later magnified for being a martyr at death. Again, the gore was both interesting and "gigik" at the same time. I read the medical documents of the many mutilations which from a clinical point of view was fascinating but from a religious relic direction a little yuck.

(these are all google-able btw)

lately, i've been reading abt St Bridget from Sweden who was a visionary and was very devoted to the passion of Christ. Her visions were of Mary and Jesus. Very interesting insight. Stuff like Mary told her she gave birth standing up and felt zero pain at childbirth (of course there are more interesting stuff but as mother who has given birth 3 times, this is like wow!) And Jesus sharing candidly about his life to her also her vivid vision of the passion. Very interview-esque but profound.

i'm not preaching ... i'm just a sceptic who is beginning to believe : )

ps - don't get me wrong, i have strong believe in the religion and in god, but i've been really slack. but these saturdays, alone with faith, has been spiritually rejuvenating.

catholism by technicality

i grew up with my g-ma. lent in her house was 1) no meat on weds and fris, 2) visiting 7 churches on maundy thrusday, 3) doing a virgil on maundy thursday, 4) no comforts on good friday ie no fan, no tv, no radio, no yummy food (until 3 pm) 5) afterwhich, we were allowed a decent meal but still nothing fancy till easter. under the miserable circumstance, i really felt the spirit of lent.

this year, it was lent by convenience. 1) i only ate seafood on "some" fris and it was all yums 2) i went to only one church and left after 15 mins (albeit i was alone and had all the monkeys) last night, 3) i also couldn't keep my eyes open past 2030hrs, 4) we watched tv this morning also ... i'm online and i took a bite off da godma's gourmet pork chop, 5) we'll prob eat well tonight too.

then there is the other paradox of good friday and sex. for as long as i've been having sex, i've told myself that i'll keep the day celibate. but i always fail ... always. it starts with a nap then it doesn't. i told hubs abt it today as we were waking up. he turns and says, "but after 3pm can what". technically, he is right.

i feel sorry yet i don't. he died for us, but he's also alive and well. should we dwell on the past or work on moving on. do we want to cry over spilt milk or rejoice in the now. i wish i was a better catholic, but does it make me a bad one for not playing by the rules.

personal jesus II

we are now half way into lent and i have nothing to show for it. i've induldged in the pleasures of sin without a second thot about sacrifice nor penance. even fish on friday seems like a scam as i tuck into grilled salmon and sushi, trying to beat the system. lent has that effect on me. during these 40 days, sin seems most delectable, i just can't explain it.

at my cube, i have a picture of the sacred heart, to remind myself to be somewhat catholic in my work. today as i stared at my pooter crunching numbers for a presentation, while trying to piece tog a department workplan, it dawned on me how freaky the sacred heart image is. the pic i have is of jesus looking lovingly back at me with his left had stretched forward holding his heart (depicted as an organ) with the usual flames, cross and fire.

so amidst all my work, i googled sacred heart. interesting history behind it, but i won't bore you. did you know that it's prob the most popular tattooed religious design. but i digress ..

i've never questioned the power of the sacred heart or what it stands for. i've always believed. hence the pic at my cube. my christian friend shared how her take on religion has shifted recently. she is now not trying her darnest to be christlike - which can lead to a lot of frustration and denial ... believe you, me. instead she is focusing on rejoycing that HE is a loving god. i guess the crux of the matter is that no matter how big a sinner you are, it doesn't matter as long as you come back to HIM.

PS : the pic is a little pre-mature, but what the hey : )

personal jesus

talking to angel girl about muslims and mosques ... she quickly quips that not all lim's go to mosques.

monkey boy was making the sign of the cross. earnestly he said, in the name of the father .... and of the son .... and of the hooligans!

+++++++++

i mind *uck my kids all the time. the other day i caught angel girl lying. i said, you can lie to mummy and daddy but jesus knows, he sees and hears everything. and he is making a list.

+++++++++

i remember going to church in a low cut top/ a short skirt as a teenager (there were cute guys there! c'meon who has EVER paid attention in mass at 16!!). grandma told me to cover up before jesus comes down from the cross to do it himself. the mental visual was enuf.

even younger, i remember snoozing during the homilies. once my aunty caught me. for 3 months i had to write summaries (post-mass) to ensure i paid attention.

years later, i'm still not paying attention in mass. most times, i'm just glad that i make it to church in one piece. i do like going, but i don't make a consistent effort. so if you make it for mass, pray for me k. promise to put in a good word about you to JC if i get there first : )

faith

i brought angel-girl to catechism class today and managed to get some alone time in church while she was learning abt the holy spirit. anyway, her take home message from class today was "the holy spirit is watching over us, day and night". sceptically, she reasoned with me,"how can the holy spirit watch over us when IT has no eyes!" it's called faith, i told her. believing that an omnipresent greater power is protecting and guiding over us. she remains unconvinced as i fail to explain the tangibility of what the holy spirit really is.

lately, i've been having a lot of problems with my faith. i'm not religious neither am i sacrilegious, but i do push my boundaries. isn't that the difference between christians and catholics. christians are faith abiding and publically live by the rules of the bible. (or at least they try very hard to) they are also very public with their faith. catholics believe in their personal jesus. the made-to-order kind where you make up your own rules as you go along. my friend and i were musing abt this the other day. she said that it's funny how it has turned out this way because it's actually catholism that preaches the public faith.

i wish i had half the faith my christian friends have. they praise god constantly and proudly. their belief is strong. a christian friend prayed over me the other day. i didn't ask for it but he did it with good intent. he pressed his eyes shut and prayed loudly for jesus to take my ezcema away saying that by HIS stripes i am healed. i wanted so much to believe in his conviction and prayer. instead i stood there silently mocking his fervent effort, feeling uncomfortable, waiting for him to wrap it up. i prayed for him to stop. my prayers were answered, his wasn't. and i feel it's because i lacked the faith.

today in church, while i sat in the corner alone (the way most catholics do), i listened to anonymous petitions offered to mother mary. some were in honour and praise others were cries for help. all faith is not lost, i thought to myself. today i prayed for faith. to have renewed faith in faith.