i am very lost

it's exam fever for angel girl and i've been tutoring her math, which is so not her fave subject. many times, she finds it hard to get into the groove of the subject and i end up losing my patience.

today, i yelled her at coz she did a really bad job on an assessment paper i asked her to complete. she ended up crying and i was just pissed off by the attitude. i told her to take some quiet time (30mins) and come back to the table with new attitude. she agreed.

in the 30 mins, my very eloquent 7 1/2 year old daughter wrote me this note entitled I am very lost

"I am very lost, like Zillah the lost angel. I am very lost in this world and this school and i know that you are lost in this world too. I am writing this to tell you that i love you. And i hope you understand me. I cry because sometimes i feel that you don't love me."

when she showed me the note, we both cried. then hugged each other tight. i told her she's not lost. her home is in my heart. then we hugged somemore.

NOTE : Zillah is an angel, in a nativity book i bought for her last xmas, who was always the last angel. she was always late and never quite managed to do anything as well as the other angels, no matter how hard she tries. but she is determined to get things right. and eventually she does.

desire is a woman

my good friend is in town and she threw a party on sunday. i went solo mio and the strangest thing happened; the married men started to check me out. at first it was flattering, then i began to feel awkward as the wives started shooting me looks and sizing me up then whispering amongst themselves. i wasn't sure if i looked hot or weird, the attention was just strange.

what made it uncomfortable for me was that i've known these people for years. i'm talking at least 19 years. they've seen me grow up from annoying child, to gawky teenager to obnoxious young adult. these are people i grew up with. so they missed out on the time i hit my late 20s todate coz my friend moved to england but still ...

then today, hubs called from bangkok and i told him that in reflection of yesterday, i felt very much a woman today. i felt attractive. not in arrogrance but in a feminine desirable way.

then i asked him to hurry home.

believe

every saturday, i take the girl to catechism class. while she learns about jesus, i make a bee-line to the church library and devour anything than i can squeeze in in the hour that i am there. i don't borrow anything coz the likelihood of not finishing the book while at home is high. except for the tabloid trash that i read in the toilet, i have no time for personal reading.

but i digress, i've been reading a lot about saints lately - very gripping stuff.

I started with St Padre Pio he received the stigmata and many other interesting and blessed gifts of healing, prophecy, miracles, discernment of spirits. He was also able to convert sinners, able to read hearts (this has to do with confession - he could tell if you were telling the truth at confession!! like if you actually emptied your bag of lies or not) and had a fragrance which emanated from his wounds coz of the stigmata . But reading about the blood from the stigmata (and then getting a visual about it) was too much for me. i mean the man used to say mass with bleeding wounds.

Then I moved on to St Francis from Malacca (yes, our doorstep) who was mutilated after he passed on. He was later magnified for being a martyr at death. Again, the gore was both interesting and "gigik" at the same time. I read the medical documents of the many mutilations which from a clinical point of view was fascinating but from a religious relic direction a little yuck.

(these are all google-able btw)

lately, i've been reading abt St Bridget from Sweden who was a visionary and was very devoted to the passion of Christ. Her visions were of Mary and Jesus. Very interesting insight. Stuff like Mary told her she gave birth standing up and felt zero pain at childbirth (of course there are more interesting stuff but as mother who has given birth 3 times, this is like wow!) And Jesus sharing candidly about his life to her also her vivid vision of the passion. Very interview-esque but profound.

i'm not preaching ... i'm just a sceptic who is beginning to believe : )

ps - don't get me wrong, i have strong believe in the religion and in god, but i've been really slack. but these saturdays, alone with faith, has been spiritually rejuvenating.

i jump, you jump

i've wanted to throw in the towel many times in the recent years. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to be a mom and have a successful career. something's got to give. i enjoy work but it kills me that i can't be w the kids. sigh.

i believe in the work i do. and i'm passionate about it. i also like to think i have good ethics. the team draws from my strength and i feel that they are confident for it. so every time i even bring up the topic of leaving, they turn all titanic on me.

if i go, they will walk, they say. and if they do, everything that the dept stands for, or the good that it does for the patients and their families, goes down with the ship. i'm not going to call their bluff.

and for that reason alone, i tell myself another year.

BOOM shake the room

shhhh... do you hear that? that rumbling thunder.
no it's not rain .... it's me!

i think my thighs just got thunder-er.
i feel awful that i'm not doing anything abt it.
let me check in the fridge, i'm sure there is something in there that will make me feel better.

geek in the pink

just when i thot all hope was over of owning this one pink eyeshadow that was going to complete my life, T calls me today to say that she managed to hook me up.

i have the bestest friends in the world. THE bestest!

dee, you've got competition for my love ... T may not be able to bake as good as you but she can pasta/ mushroom soup me to death. Jean, are you and your lamb chops listening!!

all this talk abt food is getting me excited. people ... i think it's about time we have a cookout!

ps - if you look past the watermark on the pic, the blending skill is really hot! ok, some may say it looks kinda pornstar-esque ... but sometimes "pornstar" is exciting, no?

just one more

i keep telling myself, just one more then i am complete. but it's a lie. one leads to another which leads to another. i will never have enuf.

so many looks, so little time and even less money.

i'm still looking out for that perfect blue or green or red or nude. today it's the perfect pink.

i had it. i ai-mai-ed it too long. and now it's gone. damn you limited editions!