rebirth

do you sense a shift in the force. the settling of a better being? move over librarians ... make way for the majestic scorp. it's our time to rule.

the planets have aligned and we are now in our element. we will bask in the depths of our strengh, for this is our time.

death by shopping

shopping is my drug, it's an addiction i can't kick. and it's getting pretty scary. i need to shop. it makes me happy. it sends me on a high. so much so that i want that state of nirvana all the time.

i think i need to OWN things. i don't necessarily want to use some of the stuff i've bought but knowing that i have the stuff brings me great joy. and if i have it in 2 colours, that's double delight.

my preference is clothes. i'm a sucker for creating "looks" and assuming a persona. and when i'm over that phase, there is always facial products, skin care, footwear, lingerie, accessories - belts, broaches, hair stuff, woollies (?) (just in case, you never know), kid's, hubs, friends, house, DVDs, home office, bed sheets etc. every month, i tell myself i've got enuf, but every month i shop. credit cards are the devil! ... and my best friend too.

enuf is never enuf. i need help. actually, i dunno if i want help. it's painful to see the damage. i can almost hear my wallet weeping. then the guilt creeps in coz i should be saving for a rainy day/ kids education. but i still do it, coz (i'll say it again) it makes me happy. damned if i do, and damned if i don't.

Gooood Mooorrrrrrrnning VietNAAAAM!

hubs flew to vietnam on tuesday to meet jesus. seriously. his office fixed the meeting for him .... he called it, "the meeting of biblical proportions" - if you know his name, you'll understand. god knows, he's excited : ) the good thing is that he'll be back tomorrow.

life just isn't the same without him around. i need to do extra too - cover two portfolios .... be mom and dad. damn draining. same at work also, my colleague is going on marriage leave and i've absorbed her portfolio during her absence . so in a day, i could be 4 different people - all together, at home and at work. how's that for a personality disorder.

speaking abt personalities, i chanced on this website http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/antisocial-personality-disorder. we all know i'm antisocial ... so this article was really interesting. well the good news is that i'm not a psychopath nor am i a product of an abused or neglected childhood. however i do think that there is a little bit of everyone in this article or rather there is a little bit of an antisocial in everyone of us.

ps - i dunno how to hyperlink the website lah. just cut and paste to new window can? come on, dun be lazy.

f*ck-a-d*ck

i woke up this morning and i knew exactly what i wanted - a plate of kick-ass roasted duck rice. throughout mass, i couldn't stop thinking about my morning fix. i could almost taste and feel the texture of the succulent slices of duck and i knew which stall i wanted it from too. after the final hymn, i made a bee line to the foodcenter and got myself a plate. the shop i wanted it from was closed but the need to eat duck was soooooo strong, i settled for the other stall that was open. delirious with anticipation, i did not pay attention to the preparation. i willed the meal to be good, mind over matter right - focus on something else and the pain will go away ... but it was the most mind-numbing f*cked up meal ever!

so unsatisfied, so freaking unsatisfied! so i bought myself a crunch ice-cream popsicle- chocolate always is a good idea. but like a one night stand, it was a quick fix ... so meaningless ... and i was unsatisfied again. damn! i spent the rest of the day eating bits and bites and nothing ... absolutely nothing could fill my void for duck. to add to the fact that i feel insatiable, i'm also probably 3 kgs fatter by my effort.

how difficult is it for a girl to find good duck these days! .... :P

model children

my workplace was looking for child talents and asked if they could use my kids. i thought "why not". Funny thing is (well funny for me - not the photographer) they refused to smile when placed in combination with the other kids. sulky and grumpy smurfs, they were. so the photographer paired them and, like magic, they both came alive!

loop service

not since the goo goo dolls' IRIS has a song, so meaningful to me, messed up my life. now in my "lonely-depressive" state of mind, snow patrol's CHASING CARS is the song that i am completely obsessing abt. i can so relate to the haunting simplicity of the song. and the lyrics which are so basic and yet captures the entire moment.

other songs that left an impression while in depression are: creep (radiohead - actually just abt anything from radiohead), under the bridge (RHCP), virtual insanity (jamiroquai), it's been a while (staind), wicked games (chris isaac), she will be loved (maroon 5), everybody hurts (REM), angel (sarah mclachlan), truly madly deeply (savage garden), with or without you (U2), drive (incubus), loser (3 doors down), black (pearl jam), lithium (nirvana), hey jealousy (gin blossom), colorblind (counting crows) fix you (coldplay) i cud go on .... *the hubs contributes : hurt (johnny cash)*

but on a happy note, tori amos' BLUE SKIES and dave matthew's SING ALONG (love the lyrics to this one) had me running their tunes on loop for about a month each!

ps - cud someone out there burn me a CD of all these songs please : )

welcome to my pre-bday depression

this year, it has come pre-maturely ... my annual (and very personal) pre-bday mind f*ck. it's when i review my year and question my existence with emphasis on my failures. it is a time where i strip down to my core and leave my facades in the next room. when i am my most vulnerable. then when my bday does come, i am a stronger person. more so than before. it's called rebirth.

my depession goes in phases. where i am at right now is "feeling alone in this world". no amount of love (even from my fav people) will be able to convince me that i am. because i feel different and because no one ever understands me ... i am alone in this world. BELIEVE ME. but i like being alone. so i guess, what i am really feeling is lonely ..... if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

maybe it's the full moon. btw, happy mooncake and haze festival! almost could not see the gorgeous moon coz of the blurry sky. damn waste.